If you're interested in enlarging your penis, seeing live nude girls by webcam, losing money on the latest pyramid scheme or similar, chances are you don't have to look much further than your own inbox. It's just junk mail. It's the way of the web. A few years ago, I used to get a large amount of emails claiming that I was the beneficiary to some fund in Africa and they needed my bank account info to deposit the money for me. I was always entertained by these, but I haven't received one in a long time... until now. Now they're coming in at least 3 at a time again. THIS one, though, is by far the most over-the-top email of that sort I have ever received.

 

THE PRESIDENCY
Aso Rock villa, Asokoro District, Abuja
Direct Security Line +234-805-819-0984
Email: mathewbmbuwa@sify.com

CONFIDENTIAL DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY PAYMENT

Dear  Sir/Madam,

I am Lt. General Peter Olu (Rtd),  the National Special Adviser to President Umaru Musa Yardua of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. I am delighted to inform you that the contract panel, which just concluded it’s seating in Abuja just released your name amongst contractors to benefit from the Diplomatic Immunity Payment. This Panel was primarily delegated to investigate manipulated contract claims, contracts and over-invoiced payments as the effect has eaten deep into the economy of our dear country.

However, we wish to bring to your notice that your contract profile is still reflecting in our central computer as unpaid contractor while auditing was going on.  Your contract file was forwarded to my office by the auditors as unclaimed fund, therefore we wish to use this medium to inform you that for the time being, the Federal Government of Nigeria has stopped further payments through bank to bank transfer due to contractors numerous petitions to United Nations against Nigeria on wrong payments and diversion of contract funds to different accounts.

In this regards we are going to send your contract part- payment of 4.5Million USD. to you via our accredited shipping company and I have secured every needed documents to cover the money. Note: The money is coming on 2 security proof boxes. The boxes are sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine.

Please you don't have to worry for anything, as the transaction is 100% risk free. The boxes are coming with a Diplomatic agent who will accompany the boxes to your house address. All you need to do now is to send to me your full house address and your identity such as, international passport or drivers license and your mobile phone and telephone number, The Diplomat attachee will travel with it. He will call you immediately he arrives to your country's airport. I hope you understand me?

Note again: The diplomat does not know the original contents of the boxes. What l declared to them as the contents is Sensitive Photographic Film Materials for security reasons. I did not declare money to them please. If they call you and ask you the contents please tell them the same thing Ok. Call me on my direct phone (234-805-819-0984) or email: (mathewbmbuwa@sify.com) and I will let you know how far I have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the Diplomatic immunity clearance certificate, which will make it pass every custom checkpoint all over the world without hitch. Confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me immediately you receive this message. Please I need urgent reply because the boxes are schedule to live as soon as we hear from you. Call me immediately.

Congratulations.
Best Regards,
Lt. General Peter Olu (Rtd).
National Security Adviser to the President
Federal Republic of Nigeria
+234-805-819-0984

Ooooookay. So, I am actually reading an email claiming that a Nigerian diplomat sent by the president of Nigeria is supposed to make a little trip to my house with a sealed up box that he has been told is sensitive photographic materials but really contains 4.5 million dollars? I'm not supposed to tell him the contents because it is top secret. Hollywood needs to hire these guys to write movies. This one takes the cake.

Edit @ 6:34PM: Contrary to my rant, the ice cream will not be sold in retail stores. It will however be available in the Vermont Scoop Shops for the duration of the September celebration. While this is not in quite as poor taste as showing up in the freezer aisle at your local grocery store, I still believe the agenda to target Ben and Jerry's #1 customers--children.  

I'm about to poke and prod at a sensitive subject to some, so this probably calls for a bit of a disclaimer. Having said that, please know that I am not a hate monger. I do not approve of or condone acts of hatred toward anyone who lives a different or similar lifestyle to my own.

 

However, I am EXTREMELY disappointed with Ben and Jerry's recent decision to "ceremoniously" rename my favorite flavor of their ice cream from "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby" for the month of September. Now bear with me, heterosexuals, homosexuals, and bisexuals alike. I completely understand that Ben and Jerry's are making great strides to promote awareness of the homosexual plight for the equality of marriage. While I'm not against Ben and Jerry's expressing a political/moral/social opinion as a whole, I do think the way in which they chose to express it was in very poor taste (no pun intended).

 

You're probably thinking, "What's so wrong with that? We're a society that is progressing. This kind of thinking is very intolerant and behind the times."  If that's not even in the ballpark of what you are thinking, good for you (unless of course you were thinking worse of me, then shame on you!). If your line of thought corresponds more accurately with my hypothetical quote, allow me to explain why I disapprove of Ben and Jerry's recent display.

 

Before we even began to litigate about whose sexuality is socially acceptable and whose isn't we, as a nation, were trying to make greater strides to undo a lot of the sexuality our children were being inundated with on a daily basis. We're disgustingly guilty of using sexuality to sell everything from every day products to ideas/causes. Now, that there's a high profile cause involving the equality of marriage, suddenly all of that is going out the window. Instead of making strides to downplay the sexuality and the public displays of affection, we're up to our eyeballs in it. Worse, we ratchet it up a little every day!

 

Seriously... our kids can't even look in the ice cream and freezer section of the grocery store without having someone's agenda advertised to them! I don't care WHAT the cause is, I'm sick of it being thrown at my children. Who do you think takes more notice of that ice cream, me or my little boys? I've had plenty of ice cream in my life because I loved it just the same when I was a child. Now, they are the ones whose eyes light up when I tell them to pick their favorite ice cream at the grocery store.

 

I really don't want to have to explain to them what's going on with the marriage equality battle in the freezer aisle when they ask me about the two men holding hands on top of the wedding cake on the front of the ice cream container. For goodness sake, what on earth does a company who has such a large following of children think they're doing advertising grown-up issues on the front of their product? Leave the grown-up issues to the voters. Why can't they use a platform that targets more adults than children? There are such things as monetary donations, information for the company's employees to distribute among each other. There are so many other promotional options.

 

... And you know, it's not just for the children. There are still straight people in this country too. Just like homosexuals believe they are wired to love and be attracted to the same sex, it's possible that I'm wired to love and be attracted to the opposite sex. If homosexuals can't help it, than neither can heterosexuals. If I'm turned off by same sex relations, why would I want to see the image two men holding hands atop a wedding cake on the front of a product that I'm about to EAT? Are they trying to make me lose my appetite? I don't even like to eat at restaurants or the mall food court when heterosexual couples are showing too much PDA. Luckily, I've never had to worry about seeing them on the front of my ice cream before.

 

I guess this is just all the long way of saying, "Keep the support of your causes appropriate."  I'm all about the pro-life campaign, but I'd still be pretty upset if Ben and Jerry's changed the name of "Mission to Marzipan" to "Mission to End Abortion."

 

Yes, Public Poo Anxiety! Do they have a support group for this? Because:

Me: Hi, My name is Keri.
The rest of you: Hi Keri!
Me: For years, I have struggled with the the inability to give in to the urgency of my bowels in a public setting when the bathroom stall next to mine is occupied.
The rest of you: (understanding nods)

Has anyone else been there? You just finished eating way  more food than any three people should ever attempt to devour in one sitting, but that's okay because now your incessant craving for Arby's roast beef and cheddars has subsided for at least 24 hours. You feel great, and you justify the binge by walking it off somewhere real classy like Wal-Mart where, although you feel fat, you can always spot someone who makes you feel better. Things are going swimmingly because you just noticed they've marked down that terribly tacky shirt you weren't going to pay $10 for just to sleep in so you can laugh about it to yourself.

Then suddenly... KAH-BLAMMO! It all hits bottom, and the soundtrack inside your head is playing "The Distance" by Cake (yeah, sometimes I have an ongoing soundtrack in my head, don't you?). You're racing, hugging the turns, and FLY through the bathroom door nearly knocking over an unidentifiable blur of an object that just might be a human. You jump into the nearest open stall, set a world record for neat-seat implementation, and drop'em.

Then... DING! It registers. There is someone in the stall next to yours, and the whole process comes to a screeching halt. With the urgency giving over to anxiety you start to wonder things like, "Geez, I hope I ran through the right door." So, you check the set of feet next to you to make sure they're female shoes. They're tennis shoes, but you notice the pink outline on the Nike swoosh and relief washes over you.

Finally the Nikes leave and you are free to go on with your business, but wow, what a moment.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?